I Plead Insanity
by iamanevilgenius
Summary: When Harry and Draco came out of the closet they never quite expected the reaction... Especially not Luna. Rated for insanity and a bit of language. Oh, and I have mentioned this is a crack!fic?
1. In Which Ginny Kisses Goyle

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

A/N: I'm putting this under Harry and Draco since they began everything. But really the main characters are: Luna, Harry, Draco, and other characters… almost all of them.

**Additional Notes/Warning Labels:**

1. Ignoring HBP

2. SLASH! both male/male slash and femslash

3. Everyone's gone insane. MAJOR OOC

4. I'm American! Excuse my Americanisms!

5. I plead insanity.

9. General insanity commences

7. Very random and strange pairings

8. A slight scene in which two confused characters come in.

9. Picture this scene:

We're in a courthouse and the Judge says, "Keir, you are accused of the murder of logic and common sense! How do you plead?" I, Keir the evil genius, say, "I plead insanity!" Behind me, my muse cries out, "She's crazy Your Honor! She's crazy!" I look at her and say, "It was your idea." Arwen, my muse, looks horrified. "Me? Never!" she pauses for a second to think about it. "I'm gonna tell Mom!" And the Judge looks thoughtful and nods. "Yes. I can see you are both insane."

* * *

"I thought that if that ever happened the universe as we know it would cease to exist. I mean, for one thing, it would mean logic has lost all meaning…"

* * *

I

In Which Ginny Kisses Goyle…

Dear Reader:

I don't know you and (hopefully) you don't me. Enclosed in this letter you will find the manuscript of the story of how the world insane. The story of how Voldemort was defeated and found out he had son, how the Death Eaters began to spread the peace, a Weasley married a crab, how Hogwarts became a house for the unaware they're insane, how a ghost had baby with a painting, how I became a self-proclaimed lunatic, and how Dobby married Mrs. Norris among other things.

Of course, I don't know most of the story since it all made sense to me when I was living it, but Luna reassures me that we were all insane… that is to say, everyone but Luna was insane.

It began simply, or so I assume. Luna never really said anything about _how_ it began. Of course, this is not _my_ story … this is the story of two boys who caused the world to go insane. Although, seeing as the two boys who began this whole thing are... Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter, it's not surprising everything went insane…

xxx

"Ouch! That _hurt_, Harry!"

"Sorry, it's dark in here."

"Duh, we're in a closet!"

"Well, it wasn't my idea – this was yours! Damn, I think I ripped a button."

"Oh, hurry up, Harry! Just shut up and kiss me."

"God, Draco, you're so…mmmh…"

"Hot? I'm so hot, aren't I?"

"Dammit – who _made_ these robes? I can't get the buttons undone!"

"Uhmm… I think it was Madam Malkin."

"Draco, just shut up."

There was a moment of silence. Then –

"Harry, love, my robes don't have buttons. Are you sure you have buttons?"

"Draco, shut up!"

"I would if you kissed me."

"I thinks Masters Draco and Harry Potter is happier kissing?"

"ACK!"

"DOBBY!"

The two boys who were in the closet, jumped out, startled and horrified.

"Bloody hell," said Ron Weasley, staring at the two of them, along with everyone else running to their classes. (They had stopped for the moment to stare at them).

xxx

God was sitting in his throne in heaven when he noticed something odd. Someone, it seemed, had turned off the air-conditioning and now… it was… _hot_.

He hollered, "Michael, bring me a damned phone!" He wanted to say 'goddamned' phone, but as he was God, he couldn't say such a thing. Nonetheless, soon he had a phone.

"What was the… ah, six… six…six..." The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Lucifer. How are you?"

"All right. What's going on? Someone turned off the heater. I shall boil them in broth when I find them."

"Interesting."

"What?"

"Someone turned off the air-conditioning here. I believe something has happened…"

"Oh, no," Lucifer exclaimed, "hell has frozen over!"

"And dear me, it appears heaven is on fire."

It was official, the universe had gone mad.

xxx

Luna Lovegood was watching the newly out-of-the-closet couple creating a nauseating scene. Draco Malfoy was sitting in Harry Potter's lap, kissing him deeply. Occasionally they would break off and eat a little, before kissing again. She watched them, thinking they seemed sweet and wondering how they could breathe….

_The irony_, she thought, _is delicious. Harry Potter, the savior of the wizarding world and Draco Malfoy, the son of one of the higher up Death Eaters…_

She finished her dinner and walked out the Great Hall.

"They came out of the closet – just in time for dinner, did you know?" she heard a girl asking her friend.

Luna smiled, wanting to shake her head. She almost ran into Draco on the way to her common room. He looked like he was floating rather than walking. She quickly checked his feet. Nope, still touching the floor.

"Hey, Luna," he said smiling widely. The smile should have looked silly, but on him, it changed him completely…

"Hey, Draco," she said lightly. "I saw you and Harry together. You seemed happy."

"Oh, I am," I overheard Draco agree. "You know, I used to think it'd be impossible – me and Harry, that is. I mean, if somebody had told me a year ago, I'd be dating Harry Potter, I would've suggested they go to Madam Pomfrey to get a reality check. I mean, come on – Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter? I thought that if that ever happened, the universe as we know it would cease to exist." Luna nodded biting her tongue so she did not say what she wanted – that the universe as they'd known it _had_ ceased to exist since Harry and Draco were no longer enemies.

"I mean," Draco continued, "for one thing, it would mean logic has lost all meaning…"

Luna nodded, thinking that might be true.

Later, Luna told me that it was those fateful words that caused everything to change. But I stand by the belief everything went insane the moment Harry and Draco jumped out of the closet. I mean, heaven _did_ burst into flames and hell _did_ freeze over at that precise moment…

Luna, however, disagrees. She insists it was Draco's words that tempted fate.

xxx

Luna's night was all right. She did not suffer any strange occurrences. In fact, she assumed everything was quite all right. Aside from Harry and Draco, that was. Her sharp eyes caught Draco's limp and his wince when he sat down. She smiled.

_They've shagged,_ she thought to herself.

Nothing seemed different at all until…

"Gregory!" Ginny shrieked and she hurled across the Hall to the boy everyone knew as Goyle. He looked at her with a loving expression on his dull face.

"Oh, Greg!" Ginny said loudly, like a heroine in a cheap romance novel. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply.

Luna blinked.

It was just a glitch in the world's logic, wasn't it? Yes… that was it. It was only a glitch… nothing more. Everything would be just fine…

xxx

In purgatory, God and Lucifer met to watch the universe.

"Hmm…" Lucifer said. "What have they done? They're defying our logic!"  
"Interesting," God said.

"Is that all you can say! _INTERESTING!_" Lucifer shouted, "IT'S A BLOODY DISASTER! THIS IS NOT INTERESTING – IT'S – IT'S AN ANOMALY!"

"Lucy, dear, calm yourself," God said. "Really. It's nothing to worry about. I mean, Voldemort and Dumbledore haven't started dating yet."

"Yet!" Lucifer hollered. "WHAT DO MEAN YOU _'YET!'"_

"I didn't say yet… did I? Well, I meant, they won't start dating ever. If so… well, I suppose we must consider our existence disproved."

"Damn," Lucifer muttered. "I get the feeling that those words are going to come back and haunt us to bite us in the ass…"

* * *

A/N: All right, as you can see, I didn't put a source for the chapter quote. I think you can guess why. So, I'm putting this chapter up just because I want to see the reaction. I won't be updating this until it's finished and edited. So… Just so you know… I may delete it before I update…depending on the reaction (if you think it's funny, a simple "lol" will suffice in a review) but it _will_ be back and _edited_ and _finished_! Obviously, it's a parody. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. None that I know of for sure.

P.S: Feel free to guess who the narrator is! And yes, I'm doing humor again. I didn't think I would, but go figure.

And yes, there's a reason why it's under the Harry and Draco pairing. Remember, this is an experiment! It's the story I'm currently working on with Arwen (she's my muse, sister, and beta). I hope to have it finished by our birthday.


	2. Hermione's Pet Peeves

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

* * *

II

Hermione's Pet Peeves

When Ron Weasley of Gryffindor was caught snogging Vincent Crabbe of Slytherin in the Astronomy Tower, Luna realized that it was _not_ a glitch. It was complete and utter madness. The world had run mad.

According to Luna, it was almost enough to make her run up and down the halls naked and screaming and pulling at her hair. But the comforting thought that perhaps Hermione Granger, the most logical witch she'd ever met, would remain sane, restrained her.

Which was why she found herself standing in front of Hermione who seemed to have developed the irritating habit of carrying a little hand mirror in which she kept looking at her reflection to check her make-up and hair.

"…Ronald was caught with Crabbe," Luna said. "I know I'm not the most logic-happy person in Hogwarts, but even I can see that this – this defies all logic and common sense! Ron should with you! Ginny shouldn't be running around with Goyle and… and…and… I should _not_ have to see Neville Longbottom having a snogging session with Sprout…!"

Hermione nodded. "Yes. The fact that none of these people have enough common sense to do their snogging in private truly bothers me. I mean…" Hermione trailed off.

"Oh my God!" Luna said. "Is that… _Snape_ and – and – and…"

"Dad!" I heard Draco exclaim.

"Oh my," Hermione said. "Very interesting… Very appalling to see Lucius Malfoy and Ape, I mean, _Sn_ape together."

"_Ape_?" Luna said, looking at Hermione strangely.

"Slip of tongue," said Hermione. "Now, what's with you? Are you seeing anyone?" Luna backed up a little, concerned.

"N-no," she stammered. "I – I think I just heard someone call my name!"

xxx

As it turned out, Neville and Sprout, Snape and m – Lucius Malfoy, We – Ron and Crabbe, Ginny and Goyle were not the only odd couples getting together. In fact, Luna and I, as it later dawned on me, separately observed many other strange couples getting together. Of course, it would be a long time before Luna convinced me of the general insanity. It seemed perfect to me, back then. But let's save that for later, because really, this isn't _my_ story. It's Luna and Draco's story.

Anyway, the oddest couple was… Tonks and Hagrid. How that works, I have no clue, but they're still together, by the way.

During that one day, there were many couples discovered, such as Pansy Parkinson and Harry's cousin, Dudley Dursley… as he's a Muggle, Luna and I have often wondered how he got there. Surprising, Harry's uncle Vernon, sworn magic-hater and homophobe began dating Kingsley Shacklebolt – a wizard, male, black and in other words, the embodiment of everything Vernon Dursley hated… or loved in an illogical world.

xxx

It was just after lunchtime when Luna met Hermione again. Hermione seemed to agree on the oddness of the couples that were being discovered.

"I think," Luna said after a while of conversing on the irritating habit of the canoodling new couples had, when Hermione said, "You know, Luna… I have many pet peeves. But… there is one I absolutely love…"

Luna stared at her. Hermione was speaking very, _very_ loudly. Almost yelling her comment…

"Oh?" Luna said nervously. Then she heard a cackling behind her. She turned slowly and saw him coming toward them. The moment he was close enough, Hermione said, "Peeves, darling! Luna has informed me of the most horrendous news – the world has gone mad!"

"Yes, sweetling," Peeves said. "The Bloody Baron is kissing the Fat Lady."

* * *

– Robin Williams

* * *

A/N: I figured this story needed an update. I'm feeling a bit depressed, so I wrote more humor! (Yes. I'm insane. I know.) Anyway, guesses for the narrator! It doesn't have to be human…..

**Review Response:**

**Hyuga Kyuuketsuki**

**Karui Kurayami**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Night Essence**

**ga nat nat**

**Airlady**

**Rettz**

**Queen Vampyre Akasha**

**NinjaoftheDarkness**

Thanks for taking the time to review! Just out of curiosity, do you really want me to keep going, or not? I've got the framework of this fic worked out, but it needs a bit more work…. So it'll be a while before I update again, but never fear, I've promised myself I'll finish every chapter-length story I start, so it'll be finished eventually. However you're welcomed to suggest strange and random couples. The only requirement is that they're insane couples no one would ever think to put together. Unfortunately, Dumbledore's already taken, as are a few other people. Oh, and quotes would be lovely as well. I'm not finished yet, although that might be because I'm depressed at the moment, but it's getting better – I just need a bit more humor… so yes, quotes, preferably Buffy quotes or Angel quotes, since I can use those for any other fanfiction as well. Besides, I collect quotes and lyrics. Anyway, drop me a line if you'd like – oh and if you notice a mistake, let me know! Some of the grammar mistakes are deliberate though, so it just depends. Misspellings however are not deliberate. And yes, constructive criticism is welcomed!

Keir


	3. In Which Ron Marries a Crab

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"It's when you see your boyfriend's best friend marrying seafood that it dawns that the world has indeed lost its mind!"

* * *

III

In Which Ron Marries a Crab (sic)

By Monday, Luna was running on frayed nerves. She was frazzled beyond belief. In Draco's life…. Well, let's say he was _busy_ with Harry, if you catch my drift. Luna could see him limping around the school, but he seemed generally happy. He did not seem completely insane. In fact, Luna later told me... he seemed bemused by the turn of events. I think it may have been the fact he'd come out of the closet with Harry and immediately afterwards, Ron and Crabbe had come out of the closet, along with Snape and Lucius. She'd seen him act a little shocked, a little bemused by the sudden number of odd couples walking hand-in-hand around the castle. And so she observed him. She thought he might the next likeliest person to convince the world had gone mad.

"Draco," she called out to him, when she saw him alone.

"Hey," he said, nodding at her. "All right?"

"Well…" Luna sincerely hoped nothing truly awful would happen… like Hermione and Peeves…ugh. "I… er… was wondering if you've noticed the…"

"The odd couples?" Draco asked. "I guess. But I can't exactly say anything – I mean look at who I'm dating!"

"But don't you think it's a bit more than odd?" Luna pressed on. "I mean, odder than you and Harry?"

"Not really," Draco said. "I mean, sure, it's _unexpected_ but… odd? Like how?"

"Erm… like Snape and your father?" Luna suggested. Draco shrugged, "My Mum's having an affair with Mr. Weasley. Can't be odder that."

Luna choked. "Pardon me?"

Draco leaned in closer to her and said, conspiratorially, "My Mum, Narcissa Malfoy? She's having an affair with Ron's dad, but don't tell anyone. Ron doesn't know that yet."

"Right," Luna said weakly. "Does anyone else know that?"

"Um… Rita Skeeter," Draco said.

Luna stared. Even she knew Rita Skeeter couldn't be trusted to keep a secret like _that_…

"She's having an affair with Mrs. Weasley."

Luna's legs gave out and she collapsed on the floor as a wave of despair crashed into her. The world was _truly_ mad!

"Great," she said, "now all I need is for Ron to marry a crab!"

"Crabbe? I think he is getting married to Crabbe. Vincent Crabbe I mean – not the seafood," Draco said. "I think they've set the date for this Saturday. My mother, Rita Skeeter, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley are going to be there. They've invited the whole family – including Tonks and Hagrid – they ran off to Greta Green and eloped, did you know?"

Luna sighed. "God, please, _please_ help me," she muttered.

xxx

In purgatory, Lucifer was pacing.

"God," he said, "have you noticed that purgatory is melting?"

"Yes. It tastes like vanilla ice cream," God said cheerfully. "Melted, of course."

"ARGH!" Lucifer screamed in a fit of rage. "I can't stand this anymore!"

At that precise moment they heard a clear voice saying, "God, please, _please_ help me."

"No!" said God. "I don't do well with other people. Really, I try my best to help out when I can… really, I do."

"Right…" said Lucifer.

God pretended not to notice the odd look he was getting from Lucifer.

xxx

Draco and Harry stood in the hallway just outside an empty classroom. Draco looked like he'd just been shagged half-witless (which he had, by the way). They were watching a very curious sight: Dobby wooing Mrs. Norris.

"Um…" Harry said.

"I think Luna may have had a point," Draco said after a while. Harry looked at Draco, so Draco elaborated, "Luna thinks the world's gone mad. She thinks it's really odd that we… um…" Draco hesitated. "_Jumped_ out of the closet and suddenly everyone's going off with the strangest…"

"You don't think _we_ had anything to do with this, do you?" Harry asked suddenly.

Draco shrugged. "I don't know. I mean… it's still a bit strange, isn't it? I mean, sure _we're_ together, but for suddenly everyone – like _them_…" Draco pointed at Ginny and Goyle kissing each other in the hallway. "Well, they really oughtn't be together!"

"But… then _how_ and why did this happen?"

"Maybe it's us?" Draco suggested. "I mean, what happens when the two most sworn enemies of Hogwarts suddenly become boyfriends?"

"Then all we'd have to do is break up!" Harry proclaimed.

Draco looked at him in exasperation. He mouthed the numbers as he counted from one to ten.

"Are you counting?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Shut up unless you want me to smack you."

Harry shut up. But, I'm pleased… er, _sorry_ to say that he got smacked anyway.

"That's for even _suggesting_ such a thing! I mean, us, breaking up! After everything you put me through?"

"True," Harry said. "Not to mention it'd mean I can't grab you and ravish you in an empty classroom."

Draco looked at him archly. "Of course."

At that moment, Crabbe walked down the hall, with a confused expression on his face, (although, I'm not sure I've ever _seen_ him look anything but confused).

"Hello, Draco," Crabbe grunted.

Harry looked astonished saying, "You talk!"

Draco ignored this, looking at Crabbe's face. "Crabbe," he said.

"Aren't you supposed be getting ready?" Harry suddenly asked.

Crabbe and Draco looked at Harry blankly.

"The wedding," Harry explained. "It's today."

"The wedding," said Crabbe blankly. "What wedding?"

"Oh my god!" yelled Draco, "The wedding! Crabbe, you need to go! You're marrying Weasel – I mean, Weasley – I mean Ron – in five minutes!"

"What?" asked Crabbe. "Why didn't he tell me?"

Draco ran in a circle around Crabbe, yelling, "You need to do your hair, you need dress robes – oh and splash on some make-up because you look rather pale! Come on, there's no time to lose, we've a fashion crisis on our hands!"

Harry and Crabbe stared at Draco wondering if he had just recently gone mad from a hard blow to the head or had he always been mad without their knowledge or consent. I wonder about that myself, for that matter, seeing as he was the one to blame for world going insane….

xxx

Meanwhile Luna Lovegood was trying to comfort Ron Weasley. He was a rather awful shade of red that clashed _horribly_ with his hair.

"And – I – I told – I said – didn't he _want_ to get married – and he – he – he…" Ron Weasley broke into huge shuddering sobs, wetting Luna's school robes. Luna tried to not make a disgusted face as she soothed, "There, there. What did he say?"

"He said no!" Ron wailed. "And everyone's already coming to the wedding – everything's been arranged! I've said I'm marrying a Crabbe and there's no Crabbe to marry because he said no!"

Luna sighed. "Well, look at it this way at least you're not going to marry a _crab_."

Ron suddenly stopped crying, mid-sob. "Luna, I love you. Have I ever told you how wonderful you are?"

Luna stared at Ron, uneasily. "Glad to have been of service," she said.

Ron nodded and he hastily straightened his robes out as he said falsely cheerily, "Well, I've got a wedding to prepare for!"

Luna looked after the redhead boy as he walked out of the room, baffled and more than a little concerned.

"Oh dear," she said. "I hope he's not going to marry a crab after all."

xxx

Albus Dumbledore stood to head the ceremony.

"Well, Ron," he said quite cheerfully. "I must congratulate you and Mr. Crabbe on your nuptials!"

"I'm not marrying Crabbe. I'm marry him." Ron pointed.

Dumbledore blinked.

Ron looked at him challengingly.

"Oh," was all Dumbledore could think to say. He wondered how on earth Ron was going to have a wedding night with – with – _that_.

xxx

Draco Malfoy was rather bemused as Dumbledore began the ceremony.

"He looks a bit… embarrassed," Draco whispered to Harry.

Harry frowned, looking at Dumbledore closely.

Dumbledore coughed and then cleared his throat.

"Dear beloved… ahem…" Dumbledore stopped. "We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Ron Weasley to… uh… erm…"

"What's going on? Where's Crabbe?" Harry asked.

"That is, we are here to witness the marriage of Ron Weasley to Mr. Crabbe the crab… er… lobster."

"WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!" Vincent Crabbe said, raising his voice louder than a grunt for the first time in all the years of his life.

"Well," said Draco in the ensuing silence. "That was interesting. I suppose we'll have the crab… uh… lobster for dinner then?"

xxx

The marriage proceeded with Ron actually marrying Crabbe, not Crabbe-the-lobster-who-thought-he-was-a-crab.

Harry and Draco stood in the shadows, trying to choke the other by having a lovely tongue battle in doorway.

"Who do you think gets it?" asked Hermione, looking at Draco and Harry curiously

Besides her, Peeves, looked pensive. "Harry," he said firmly.

"I suppose he would, wouldn't he? He is so selfless... yes, he would."

"Ooh… who's the shagger and who's the shagged?"

"Harry's being shagged by Malfoy," Professor McGonagall said firmly. "He is a Gryffindor. Only the truly brave would take something like that."

Luna looked on appalled. If she hadn't been so mortified by the Deputy Headmistress's actions, she would've pointed out that the one limping and wincing whenever he sat down was Draco.

Eventually, she managed to get in a word in, telling Draco to meet her in the Astronomy Tower.

xxx

"Draco," Luna said when he came. "I've been waiting for you!"

"Yes, I rather guessed that."

"And he dragged me along," said Harry. "He thinks I'm going to think he's cheating on me."

"Oh," said Luna. Then she got to the point. "Do you believe me now when I say that this – none of this is _normal_?"

"Yeah," said Harry.

"Um… duh," said Draco. "It's when you see your boyfriend's best friend marrying seafood that it dawns that the world has indeed lost its mind!"

"He didn't marry the Deluded Lobster," said Harry.

"No, but he tried!" Draco wailed. "It's unnatural!"

"Yes. And it all started when you two got together," Luna said firmly. "I need your help in making the world sane again."

* * *

A/N: This is so grammatically incorrect my muse tried to kill me… I think I'm going to go bury myself from the shame. I wasn't actually going to put it up, but this story's gone without an update for a really long time… so… there it is. Hope you liked! As for the next update, whenever I have the time. I'm overworked as it is, so I'll find the time to update. Aside from that, this story's short – it's only ten chapters long as of right now. I might end up cutting it down, however. It all depends. And I still need to get this properly edited. I've looked over it, gone through it with Arwen, my beta, (Her penname's **I am the muse of the evil genius**), but… look above. My grammar in this one is awful. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference: **

None I'm aware of at the moment.

**Review Response: **

**brionyjae **

**Padfoot Reincarnated:** Nice suggestion. I hadn't thought of it, so I'm adding it as a twist.

**Sarah123Babe **

**Night Essence **

**C-C-Cody - Plot Biotch **

**SatensRaven **

**Mirokuluver's Friend **

**The Meek One **

I was a bit surprised when I got positive feedback. I don't usually find myself amusing. Most people (or they did) when they first meet me, find me a bit too solemn and depressing. I lean toward the angst more than the humor, which is why I chose to write this – to balance out my more angst-type stories. I hope this continues to be amusing and not overdone!

Keir


	4. Three is a Triangle

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"Pythagorean Theorem is A squared plus B squared equals C squared. It works on right triangles. And they're a triangle – a love triangle, but a triangle nonetheless."

"So, let me get this straight. Percy plus Dobby equal Filch's _cat_?"

**

* * *

**

IV

**Three is a Triangle **

**(Otherwise known as a crowd)**

When I went down from the Astronomy tower, everyone else was already doing God-knew what. I suppose nothing of interest happened, unless you count Luna who was quietly observing the actions of Dobby the House-elf.

Dobby the House-elf should have fallen in love with Harry. He nearly wet himself with the utter excitement of seeing Harry, usually. Yet Luna found it curious that he seemed to be in love, or rather, infatuated with Mrs. Norris and proceeded to court her in the ancient ritual of House-elf Love.

But, I regress to the Astronomy Tower in which Luna begged for Harry and Draco's help.

"I need your help in making the world sane again."

Draco looked on apprehensively as Harry asked, "What do you want us to do?"

"Well," said Luna. "I suppose we must follow the dictates of logic…"

"Which are…?" asked Draco.

"Well… er… I don't rightly know," said Luna.

x-x-x

"Logic says she," said Lucifer. "Who does not know the rules of logic. And if _you_ can't fix this, what makes her think she can?"

God shrugged. "I think it may be that she does not really believe in our existence."

Lucifer sniffed. "I am most certainly real."

"Yes, Lucy," said God.

"Don't call me Lucy," said Lucifier.

"Whatever you say, Lucy," God replied.

Lucifer crossed his arms and pouted at God, upset at being ignored.

"Lucy, dear, really, don't make that horrid face. That is why people believe you are the goat devil, you know!" said God.

"I _am_ the devil," said Lucifer. "I am evil, I am foul, I am darkness incarnate! I am the representation of all nightmares in the flesh! I am the leader of all seven hells! Do not _dare_ to take that tone with me!"

God rolled his eyes. "Yes, Lucy. You are the number one dead-ringer for the god Pan. I shall inform him immediately."

Lucifer stopped. "Wait, you mean he _exists_?"

"Would you look at that!" said God in mock astonishment.

"What?" Lucifer said, suddenly distracted from his righteous rage. "Oh."

x-x-x

Percy Weasley had horrible luck in love. Perhaps it was the fact that he was still a virgin without a clue of what an agile hand was capable of… or perhaps it was the fact that he was attracted to those who were completely out of league. For whatever reason, he fell in love.

"Percy?" Ron Weas – er – Crabbe, said waving his hand in front of Percy's face.

"What?"

"I said, what are you doing here?"

"May you introduce me to that fabulous creature? That is the light of my soul… my better half. So beautiful… so…"

"Who? Mrs. Norris?" Ron asked, looking at Percy strangely.

"Who? Oh, no, that superb creature!"

"_Dobby_?" Ron asked, appalled.

"Yes," said Percy, sighing dreamily. "I have found the House-elf of my wet dreams."

Nearby, Luna choked.

Draco looked at her, astonished.

"I thought Percy Weasley didn't know what a wet dream was," said Harry.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Draco and left in a hurry.

"Oh – me too!" said Luna and ran after Draco.

Harry looked after them, and then shrugged before he followed them.

x-x-x

After being forced to watch the nauseating scene of Percy Weasley trying to court Dobby in a skewed notion of the Lowly House-Elf Love ritual - in Draco's opinion, Percy Weasley ended up looking like a drunken hummingbird trying to do the hokey-pokey with only the vaguest notion of how it supposed to go.

"They're a love triangle," said Luna after several days of watching the show. "Though, I reckon it's the strangest love triangle ever existed."

Harry looked thoughtful. "Yeah," he said nodding. "You two know about the Pythagorean theorem, right?"

Both Luna and Draco nodded, wondering what he was going on about.

"Well, as you know, Pythagorean theorem is A squared plus B squared equals C squared. It works on right triangles. And they're a triangle – a love triangle, but a triangle nonetheless."

Luna blinked.

"So let me get this straight," said Draco after a moment of stunned silence. "Percy plus Dobby equal Filch's _cat_?"

"Yes," said Harry. Then he frowned. "I mean no! No! I mean…"

"I think he means that they're just all in love with each other…"

"Actually," said Draco, "I think it's more of a linear kind of love. Because wouldn't Mrs. Norris have to be in love with Percy for it to be a love triangle?"

"Well, never mind," said Harry.

"All right!" said Draco. "So they're a triangle. Right."

"So what do we do about it?"

"Well… if you two would help me do as logic dictates…" Luna hinted.

"No, never," said Draco. "I think I'll go illogic-happy for now, thank you! Come, Harry, dear. Let's go play with the insane people."

* * *

A/N: My grammar is truly hideous in this fic. It is definitely a parody, as I am sure you may have noticed. So… any more suggestions? Truly random couples to just mention in passing… or guesses for the narrator? Oh, and some constructive criticism would be good, because I'm afraid this might not be funny or healthy for anyone. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Hokey-cokey is also another term for hokey-pokey. However, as someone who is American, I'm familiar with the term hokey-pokey, the children's dance. According to sources, however, in the UK, the term is hokey-cokey, which I suppose is all right. I hope nobody minds, however, that I used the American term… Just thought I ought to let my readers know about that.

**Review Reply:**

**silvamoon**

**ga nat nat **

**brionyjae**

**-little oro-**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Night Essence:** I like those too.

Thanks to all of you! I appreciate your reviews as I was rather afraid of this story's reception seeing as it _is_ extreme. It was meant to be that way, but I was still afraid of it not being taken very well. I'm glad it's being taken well – better than I expected it too, really. So I hope you enjoyed this new chapter.

Review if you wish to comment, give me a new crazy idea, guess who the narrator is (the one using the "I" voice – and no, it doesn't have to be human), or let me know of any typos or grammatical errors I've made. Most of the grammatical errors are on purpose, so just check the spelling, please! Thanks!

Keir the evil genius


	5. Dumbledore Likes a Bad Boy

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"You, sir, are _so_ bad…"

"And your point is…"

"I _adore_ naughty boys."

"Kinky, Dumbledore. Very kinky."

**

* * *

**

V

**Dumbledore Likes a Bad Boy**

My dear reader, I shall now inform you of the most disturbing detail in our very demented world.

While Luna, Harry, and Draco were all busy watching the bizarrest love triangle in a rather silent and horrified fascination, (and playing with the insane people), Albus Dumbledore was twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ceiling in his office, occasionally saying things like, "Oooh, pwetty colows"

If that were not disturbing unto itself, he was also licking his lemon drops, one by one so that he could offer ABSLD, (Already Been Sucked Lemon Drops), to the people who came by when he was pretending to do some work.

In one of those moments, the fire in his fireplace flared green, and Albus nearly gave himself whiplash from turning his head away from his fingernails and saying things like 'Paulie vant a cackle" and "Fast-_SIN_-mating!" and other things that quite frankly made no sense, to picking up his quill and pretending to be furiously writing something on a several yards worth of parchment. (In reality he was making a list called "How To Best Drive The World Insane".)

"Professor Dumbledore," said a man, climbing out of his fireplace. "I have breached the walls of your school and now you shall die!"

Albus looked up and stared.

The man stopped cackling after awhile.

"Hello!" he shouted.

"Voldemort," Albus breathed.

Voldemort sighed with relief. "Prepare to die!"

"You have the most beautiful red eyes…" Albus continued, in a very dazed manner.

Voldemort stopped cackling evilly. He cleared his throat.

"Doom, Dumbledore," he intoned. "You will meet your DOOM! I will kill you and that Harry Potter boy!" he launched into his well-practiced high-pitched evil laugh.

"Your laughter sounds like the glory of the ocean waves crashing against heaven's shore," Albus said dreamily.

"Dumbledore," Voldemort said, annoyed. "Pay attention, man! Dude, I'm talking _doom_ – world devastation! I'm bringing the apocalypse!" He paused. "What am I saying? I am the fucking apocalypse, baby!"

"Yes, come to daddy," Albus cooed.

"Albus Dumbledore!" Voldemort said, scandalized. "I'm shocked! You're old enough to be my father, man! Dude, you could be my Jedi, my grandfather's great grandfather… my… Darth Vader?"

"Of course, my love," Albus said fondly.

"Fuck it, dude, pay attention here! And if you were Darth Vader I'd be Luke Skywalker and that just doesn't work out," said Voldemort. "Now, where was I? Oh yes, on the agenda of World Domination is DOOM! DOOM, do you hear me! I shall destroy the world!"

Albus sighed dreamily. "You, sir, are _so_ bad…"

"And your point is…" drawled Voldemort, growing rather impatient.

"I _adore_ naughty boys." Albus sighed.

Voldemort stared. "Kinky, Dumbledore. Very kinky." Then he brightened. "Now for World Domination I must KILL HARRY POTTER!" He paused. "Dude, where are my fucking Death Eaters?" No one came. "Man, this sucks. I mean, here I am, an all around decent guy trying for world domination, causing mayhem and pandemonium wherever I go, but does anyone appreciate my efforts at keeping the audience entertained? No! Fuck me Freddy, but I just have to say this really, _really_ su–"

Albus could not contain himself a moment longer. He leapt from his chair and kissed him on the lips.

"Dude, just a sec – what about my mfff…" Voldemort decided as the Albus Dumbledore kissed him that there could be worse things than being shagged on the headmaster's desk by the headmaster himself. Maybe he'd spank him.

One could hope.

xxx

"Why haven't we gone _poof_" demanded Lucifer. "You said we'd disappear if Voldemort and Dumbledore ever got together. So WHY HAVEN'T WE GONE POOF!"

"Well, for starters," God drawled. "I don't _do_ poof, poofs, or any kind of poofing."

Lucifer stared at him. "God, that made no sense whatsoever! Go away, you're giving me a headache."

"This from the leader of the forces of darkness?"

"Well," said Lucifer. "I _am_ the Fallen One, aren't I? The one who fell from high and into the bottomless pits of hell. Evil supreme and yada-ya? It's in the job description… though I don't think I'm supposed to be this pretty. Do you think my ass is pretty?"

God stared at him. "Lucy, dear, you are beginning to worry me. And for the record, just because I said we'd disappear doesn't mean we will. After all, I _am_ God."

"Great," Lucifer moaned. "What next? Snape wearing a tu-tu and handing out candy like the fucking tooth faery?"

"Uh, Lucy?" God said. "I don't think the tooth faery hands out candy. I mean, it _is_ the tooth faery…isn't he somewhat… dental?"

"Right," said Lucifer. "And what have I said about calling me Lucy! No wonder why I'm gender-confused!"

"You're gender-confused?" God said, startled. "Oh. I thought you were just pretty."

* * *

A/N: Wow. I think I'm going to hell. I mean, I'm Catholic, and although it's supposed to be a crack!fic, I think I might've overstepped the boundaries. Oh, well. Hope you got the laughs. Sorry, I didn't update for so long. On the other hand, there's only five more chapters to go!

**Review Response:**

**meatofevil**

**effing-effed**: I nearly confused myself when I reread it, as I haven't done anything for so long with this fic, but basically - the lobster thinks its a crab... play on words... I hope I've gotten the spark again!

**ga nat nat**

**fifespice: **Well, you got part of it right. I think I responded and told you that. I plan all my stories, even when they're insane like this, and so, you were right about Dumbledore and Voldemort. Although the other suggestion… it had merit. : P

**Sarah123Babe**

**radical-rebel:** Thanks! I rather thought it was inspired too! Lol.

**Bella la Cantante**

**Night Essence**

**Aeta Aella**: Mine too… except I'm one of them… the insane people I mean. (I have to be, don't I? To write this story, I mean).

Hello! I'm back. Hopefully I'll get to sneak in a few more updates! I'm really busy – three projects due… which I _should_ be working on at the moment, but… go figure.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter (or at least nearly fell out of your chair laughing hysterically.) Sorry. I'm half-asleep, so my humor is rather random at the moment.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing, for reading, and taking the time to let me know your thoughts! Again, review if you will. Just one word is fine, I don't really mind. I'll update no matter what.

Keir Raizel the evil genius.

P.S: Has anyone actually noticed that my name's Keir Raizel? Hello! Although, who names their kid that anyway? Whatever. Ignore me. I'm in a dream haze.


	6. Death Eater is a Synonym for Hippie

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"Help! Death Eaters at the gate! They're going to kill –"

"Dude, you need to relax. We promote peace, not violence."

**

* * *

**

**Death Eater is a Synonym for Hippie**

Meanwhile, Bellatrix Lestrange leaned against the wall of the Three Broomsticks, slowly smoking a cigarette.

"So," said Fenrir Greyback, picking at his yellowing teeth. "Think the Dark Lord's implemented his plan of world domination?"

Bellatrix rolled her lidded eyes. "Sure. He's got a tight ass – he'll bring that fool Dumbledore around."

"Isn't he supposed to be dead?" asked Fenrir.

Bellatrix stared at him. "No. Where'd you get an idea like that?"

"Some woman… Bolling, was it? Boleyn? Rolling?" Fenrir gestured vaguely.

"What have you been smoking?" asked Peter Pettigrew, better known as Wormtail. "There ain't no witch by that name!"

"I'll smoke whatever you've been smoking," said Fenrir. He sighed, dreamily. "I miss the days when they feared me, you know? When I wasn't just play-acting the manic werewolf with a touch of pedophilia."

Bellatrix coughed. "Remind me not to let you mind the children."

"I said play-acting, didn't I?" Fenrir said, angrily.

"Oh, sure," said Wormtail. "And I'm not dead."

"You aren't." Fenrir looked at him up and down. "At least, I think you look well alive to me – after all, if you were dead… well you'd be on the ground as a rotting corpse."

"He en't a corpse." Avery looked at him just to be sure.

"I think I hear our Lord a-calling," said Bellatrix. "Come on. Let's see what he wants."

"I say we should go on strike," Fenrir whinged. "I want a raise! If I have to deal with more squalling brats… I want my money!" He shook his fist at where the Dark Lord was presumably conquering the castle.

"Well," said Bellatrix. "It was _your_ idea to open up a daycare, Fenrir."

"A _nursery_, woman," Fenrir said. "Wait, that's even worse!"

"Does anyone have any of the pot?" Wormtail whinged. "I want my hit."

Fenrir smacked him on the head. "There. You've got it."

"That is not what I meant, moron," Wormtail said, rubbing his head sourly.

xxx

Neville Longbottom was cheerfully describing Sprout's womanly goods to an aghast Draco, whom he'd cornered after a mad chase through the castle.

"Longbottom!" Draco exclaimed, cowering in the face of a graphic description heterosexual intercourse. "Does the word _gay_ mean nothing to you?!"

"Eh?" said Neville. "I suppose it means you don't get any pussies to play with."

Neville gave him a lecherous look. "Not that you're that masculine yourself. I'd like some of you."

"Eep!" said Draco. "I want my mummy."

"Draco! Where are you!" shouted Harry, as he came upon them. "Oh, look, there you are my favorite boy-toy!"

"Can I play with him for a bit?" asked Neville.

"No!" said Harry, sulkily. "He's _mine_. And you've got Sprout to take care of your wood."

"Uh, guys?" Luna said, anxiously, "I think you're starting get affected by this world's insanity."

"Who're you?" asked a dark-haired blue-eyed boy, suddenly.

"Who're _you_?" she queried, checking him out.

"Artemis – oh, wait," he said. "I'm in the wrong story! Sorry, I was looking for Foaly the centaur and got side-tracked by – you know what? I'm going to go back to discovering what Butler meant by _twins_."

"Yes," said another voice. They looked down in surprise. "I'm starting to be afraid, Artemis. The Mud-People here use us as slaves!"

"We're not in the right place, Holly. We've gotten lost."

"I can see that," said Holly. "Remind me not to trust you for directions again."

Their voices faded off into the distance.

"Right," said Draco. "That was interesting."

"So," said Luna. "Are you going to even try to get this world back to normal?"

Just then, Dean Thomas came running towards them, face pale, "Help! Death Eaters at the gate! They're going to kill –"

"Dude, you need to relax. We promote peace, not violence," said Fenrir, puffing away contently on his bong.

"Oh, yes," said Bellatrix, practically humming. "Can you feel the love tonight"It is where we are," Wormtail added, and promptly summoned an instrument to play.

"It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer," Lucius Malfoy sang to Snape, who swooned into the wall. "That we got this far"

"And can you feel the love tonight?" all the Death Eaters sang, swaying to Wormtail's music.

"Eep!" said Draco and promptly fainted, having had too much for the day or perhaps it was witnessing his father singing what could possibly be classified as a love-song.

xxx

"God," said Lucifer, weakly. "I feel sick."

"I don't understand," said God, looking at his favorite wayward child.

"They've defied all logic. My home is covered in ice! You _know_ I don't like the cold…"

"Poor, Lucy," said God, fondly. "I'm sure you'll be all right with your new home."

Lucifer brightened, sitting up from where he'd thrown himself. "Does that mean I can go back through Heaven's Pearly Gates?"

"No," said God. "I'm afraid you can't because then that would _really_ wipe us out."

Lucifer pouted. "So much for supreme evil," he muttered. "Can't even figure out a loophole in some stupid plot where nothing makes sense!"

"Oh, Lucy, dearest, you _are_ evil… but not terribly bright. Here, let me find you a pitchfork so you can stab things with it!"

"You mean like you?" Lucifer said slyly.

"There will be no stabbing, Lucifer!" God roared. "I am _God_! The Alpha and Omega. _Nobody_ stabs God with a pitchfork God himself gave them!"

"Of course, my Lord," Lucifer said, peering at God through his eyelashes, wondering if he could start a brand new war with the ultimate goal to stab God with his toy pitchfork.

* * *

**A/N:** Surely you know who that was. Right? And sorry about that… I'm in a very odd mood today. So, I'm just quickly updating for now. And now you've only got FOUR chapters left. Which means, we're getting there. Just out of curiosity, how many of you want it all to go back to normal and how many of you want it to stay crazy? It won't change the ending I planned out, but I'm just curious to know. 

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. The characters Artemis and Holly. I don't own them… or Butler either. Sorry!

2. "Can you feel the love tonight  
It is where we are  
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer  
That we got this far  
And can you feel the love tonight" – and OMG, look at that, I actually used a quote in this story! I'm very pleased with myself. Anyway, that's from _the Lion King_. Song's by Elton John, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight."… I'm going to go and find a nice little hole to hide myself in my shame.

**Review Response:**

**Kenny:** Not so much a God/Lucifer shipper as an insane author. : D

**a:** was there a reason you couldn't write your name, _Arwen_? On the other hand, I told you I was changing that part.

**Sarah123Babe**

**radical-rebel**

I'm truly sorry it took me forever to update! I hope this story still makes you laugh (even if it's only a little). I've been working on this tragic story… and yeah, you don't really want to know if you're here for the humor. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Do review if you wish to make a comment (I'll even take the one-word comments!) or a constructive criticism… if you can make one when the story isn't supposed to make sense. I'm grateful for the reviews I got and much thanks to those of you read, but chose not to review.

Keir Raizel


	7. The Fat Lady

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

* * *

"The Fat Lady and the Bloody Baron want me to make their baby"

**

* * *

**

VII 

**The Fat Lady's Commissioned Baby**

"Draco! Draco, honey, are you feeling better?" Harry's voice followed Draco into consciousness.

He blinked.

"I was having a dream… no a nightmare… where the Death Eaters and my father were sing Elton John's song _Can You Feel the Love Tonight_…."

"Uh… that wasn't a dream," Lucius muttered.

Draco stared at his father. His gray eyes rolled into his head and fainted, yet again.

"Damn," said Lucius.

"You might have broken it to him much more gently," Voldemort said serenely.

Everyone turned to gape at Voldemort in varying degrees of shock and horror, who was being followed by a wild-eyed Dumbledore.

"Hon – Vol – uh, My Lord!" Lucius said. "What are you doing? Uh… here?"

"Renewing my relationship with Albus," Voldemort beamed at Dumbledore. Dumbledore made 'awww-isn't-he-so-cute?' faces at Voldemort.

Harry wanted to gag. Or pass out like Draco.

He swallowed bravely and stiffened his back. He had to be strong – for Draco.

"What!" Lucius exclaimed.

Dumbledore slid an arm around Voldemort's waist, pulling him close.

Just then Hermione jumped out with Lavender Brown and Pansy Parkinson. They paused to exchange saliva.

"WHOA!" said Neville. "What happened to Peeves? And – and…?"

"The other boys?" Lavender asked.

Neville nodded.

"We're _so_ over them," Pansy said in disgust.

"Oh, yes." Hermione nodded. "Can you image the children if I stayed with Peeves? God, no. Besides, he thinks it's hot. Isn't my Peeves wonderful?!"

xxx

"Nooo!" Lucifer shouted. "Girls are not to kiss others girls! They are all mine!" he raged.

"Oh?" said God, studying his nails. "I thought you were jealous of Voldemort? Didn't you go all googly-eyed when Dumbledore was born and proclaimed him as your Prince of Hell? Or was it Queen?"

"Prince," Lucifer said nodding. "If he were Queen, he'd be in drag."

"And you've never been?"

"No," said Lucifer.

God coughed. It sounded remarkably like "Venus."

Lucifer blushed. "That was a dare from Gabriel."

"Oh, and Aphrodite was also a dare from Gabriel?"

"No, that was Nemamiah."

"Ne – how you do even know him?"

Lucifer shrugged. "We've had some… less than peaceful contact before."

God was amused.

"And he dared you to dress up as Aphrodite?"

"No; Nemamiah dressed up as Aphrodite."

"Oh." God paused. "Suddenly I'm very disturbed."

"Gaia," Lucifer blurted out.

God blinked. "I didn't think anyone knew about that!"

xxx

Harry wondered if they had gone to a hell dimension where nothing was what it was supposed to be.

Pansy was kissing Hermione. No, you don't understand. Pansy was kissing Hermione.

They were snogging… in public. In front of Voldemort and Dumbledore, who were…

DROOLING?!

"Damn," said Voldemort. "Damn and fuck me Fred – uh Dumbledore – but that is effing _hot!_"

"Uh, no thanks," said Fred Weasley, turning to look at George Weasley in horror. "Do him." He pointed at George.

George nodded frantically before he realized what Fred had just said. "Hey!" he said, indignantly.

Fred wandered away and George had to look around before hurrying after him.

xxx

By the time Draco woke up again, Dumbledore had Voldemort against the wall and were trying to choke each other by shoving their tongues down the other's windpipe.

Fenrir was dozing against the wall, his bong drooping out of his mouth, on the verge of falling out while Wormtail was lying on the ground, staring at his hand, telling one who bothered to listen instead of stepping over him to continue walking down the hall (after stopping to stare in some shock at Dumbledore and Voldemort while questioning their eyes and very sanity), that he could see the blood moving through his veins, through the glowing skin.

Bellatrix was glaring at Snape and Lucius who were lying on the steps, having another snogging session. Hermione had her hand up Pansy's skirt and Lavender was kissing and licking Hermione's throat, leaving bruises among other things. Ginny Weasley stopped to stare before grabbing Goyle's hand and leading him away, nose in the air and muttering about sickening views.

("I thought it was hot," said Goyle, which got him smacked).

Draco eeped staring at the couples in various states of undress and kissage. Harry was lying on top of him, dozing.

"When did the orgy party start?" Luna asked, sitting down next to him, staring in disbelief.

"I'm not joining in!" Draco cried wildly. "I'm not! I'm not!"

"Such a sweet virgin," Harry cooed.

Draco gave him a look.

"Until I got through with you," Harry amended.

Luna looked at them in utter disgust. "This has to stop!" she said firmly.

"Yes," said Draco quietly. "But I don't want to break up with Harry."

"Break up with me?" Harry said. "You _can't_ break up with me. You're mine!" Harry attacked him, attempting to rip off Draco's shirt to bite his shoulder, already wandering his hand south. Draco blinked, startled.

"No one's breaking up," he said. "I just think it has to stop. I'm sure there's another way."

"Okay," said Luna nodding. "Here's what we'll do – we'll go to the library and the Ravenclaw common room to get books. We'll research the matter of splitting dimensions. I'm sure there's a complex equation for it."

"I'm going to go over there," said Harry, vaguely, waving his hand in the unfortunate direction of Lucius and Snape.

Draco recoiled in disgust. "You're not joining my father and _Snape!_" he nearly shrieked.

"What?" Dean said, vaguely.

"Dean?" Luna said, looking at him questioningly. He looked dazed and stunned.

"What is it?" Draco asked, peering over Harry's shoulder.

"The Fat Lady and the Bloody Baron are having a baby."

"What?"

"You do realize that she's a painting and he's a ghost, right?" Draco asked him.

"I know. Thing is…. The Fat Lady and the Bloody Baron want me to make their baby."

"Uh… you've still got an issue there," said Luna. "As in, you're a human _boy_ and she's a _painting_ and he's a _ghost_!"

"Oh!" said Dean. "No, no – they've hired me to paint their baby."

"So they've commissioned you to… I get it!" said Draco. "I think."

* * *

A/N: So here's the newest chapter. It's been partially beta'd – as in she's sitting next to me. Say "hi" Arwen. 

B/N: "Hi, Arwen!"

A/N: ((Glare))

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. Nemamiah – the Guardian Angel of just causes and the angel who works to right wrongs.

2. Gaia – Gaia is the Great Goddess, the Mother Earth.

**Review Response:**

**Kindali Sidera:** I think God's amused; he has to understand it's humor, right? It's inappropriate, bizarre, bordering on blasphemy humor, but God's got a sense of humor, right?

**Alykat2007:** Thanks. I think…

**Ali:** Keep guessing… you're very close. Hey, maybe you'll figure out who the narrator is before the end! There are a lot of clues in the very beginning.

**death by storm:** Thanks for laughing. Artemis Fowl rocks:D P.S: What do you think of Minerva and Artemis? (Minerva from the Artemis series, that is).

**radical-rebel:** Sorry about your math. You're probably doing better by now (I hope). Hope this chapter made you laugh again.

Okay… so I managed to answer everyone! Yay for me. I'm kinda bored, so I went back to this story. I have time… well, no I don't but I don't want to do my homework. So, I'm being avoidy-girl. (recognize the expression?) Lol. I've been watching my DVDs of Buffy. Too much, I think. Anyway, see you next chapter. You've only got THREE chapters left 'til the end.

Keir Raizel the evil genius

P.S.: Count that as the evilly insane genius

I should change my penname. What do you think?


	8. Lord Voldemort's Son

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"My son, I am not your father…I am your mother."

**

* * *

**

VIII

**Lord Voldemort's Son**

While Harry and Draco went off to fix our world, (whether they succeeded or not is anyone's guess), Voldemort found the time to talk to Lucius.

"You need to tell him," Voldemort said.

"No," Lucius said. "I think not. He's with Potter." Lucius scowled briefly. "I thought you were going to kill him."  
"Oh, stop sulking," Voldemort said, red eyes narrowing in disgust. If he'd had a nose, it would have wrinkled. "It is most unbecoming."

Lucius pouted. "But my lord, Potter has stolen my Drakey-pooh bear!"

Voldemort might have responded, but Dumbledore chose that moment to distract him with a sight that turned Lucius's stomach: Dumbledore dressed a dominatrix.

xxx

Draco was frantic.

"No!" he said. "I will not break up with Harry just to satisfy the balance of the universe! I will – I will become a Death Eater!"

Luna and Harry gaped at him.

"The Death Eaters are eco-warriors," Hermione said, coming upon them. "They promote peace and they've joined S.P.E.W."

"What happened to Lavender or whoever it was you were snogging?"

"Does it matter?" Hermione asked. "The Death Eaters are all members of S.P.E.W."

Ron said: "I love the Death Eaters! Long live Voldemort!"

Harry, Draco, and Luna stared at him as Hermione cheered. They turned as one to stare at her.

"Voldemort," Draco said. "Voldemort who wanted to take over the world and kill all the Mudbloods Voldemort? That Voldemort is the one you want to have his babies and have him live forever and ever while he takes you as a dancing sex slave? Are we talking about the same Voldemort who has such a ginormous a snake fetish he tried to transfigure himself and failed to be a snake?"

Hermione and Ron blinked at them. Then Ron got a foolish look on his face. "Love the joke, Draco! Don't you know – Slytherin is the house of _love_. All Slytherins become the best lovers in the Wizarding world. Everyone wants one! Even the Sorting Hat said so our first year, don't you remember?"

Harry and Draco said: "…" and thought simultaneously, _I have woken up in Bizarro world… or everyone has finally lost their minds_.

Luna (because she had special powers and could read their minds) gave them a 'I told you so' look and looking insufferably smug.

This body language only conversation was interrupted by a small line of House-elves led by Winky. All of them had signs with words like _Emancipation _(or Eh-mancy-pay-ation), _Liberation, Freedom, _and Dobby's – _Galleons for Elves!_

"What's going on?" Harry wondered.

"Never mind," Draco said, quickly.

As it was, they found out during breakfast when all they got was runny eggs and burnt toast.

Dumbledore stood up.

"It has come to my attention that the House-elves are on strike. I am afraid until we can persuade them that it is mandatory for their existence to work for human wizards."

There was a rush of tiny feet stomping furiously as they squeaked:

"Dumbly-dore bastard, House-elves want freedom!"

"Freeedooom!" thousands of tiny House-elf voices squeaked out at once. "Freedom!"

"And Galleons!" Dobby shrieked.

"We want freedom!"

Dobby shrieked: "_We will we will rock you!"_

And quite abruptly, out of nowhere yet somehow on cue, Queen's _We Will Rock You _began to play.

"_Buddy you're a boy make a big noise_

_Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day_," Pansy Parkinson sang out of tune looking at Draco.

And Lucius turned a glare on Voldemort as he said: _"You got mud on yo' face_

_You big disgrace_

_Kickin' your can all over the place"_

All the little House-elves on strike stomped their feet and sang: "_We will we will rock you_

_We will we will rock you_."

"_Buddy you're a young man hard man_

_Shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day_

_You got blood on yo' face_

_You big disgrace_

_Wavin' your banner all over the place!"_ Voldemort belted out in a surprising vibrato, glaring right back at Lucius.

The House-elves and the Death Eaters sang in unison: "_We will we will rock you_

_We will we will rock you_."

Dobby shrieked-sang: "_Buddy you're an old man poor man_

_Pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day_."

Fenrir and Wormtail bellowed, completely out of tune and nowhere near each other's notes: "_You got mud on your face_

_You big disgrace_

_Somebody better put you back in your place!_"

The House-elves flipped them the bird and sang all together, swaying, "_We will we will rock you we will we will rock you_."

They were still singing it as they marched out the doors of Hogwarts. Perhaps they still are to this day. All I know is from that day forward, there were no more House-elves at Hogwarts until –

No, that would be telling the end. And Draco and Luna's tale is not finished yet.

xxx

"This has gone for too long," Draco moaned. "This is the second time my father has embarrassed himself."

"So, you can disown him as your father," Harry said consolingly.

"How can I disown my own father!" Draco said. "I am so ashamed!"

xxx

"You have to tell him," Voldemort said. He rubbed at his eyes and something fell out.

"Contacts, Voldy, really?" Lucius said scornfully. "How could you?"

"You said red eyes were creepy," Voldemort said sulkily.

"I am very glad he got my eye color," Lucius said. "If he had gotten yours…"

"Of course," Voldemort said. "Now, Lucius, you must tell your son!"

Now as luck would have it, this was one of the rare moments when Draco found himself alone, without anyone jumping out of the shadows to bombard him with offers or heterosexual escapades he did not want to hear or know about. This time, Draco was the one doing the jumping out the shadows to demand an answer.

"My son," Lucius said hesitantly. "I am not your father."

"What!" I couldn't help but think that if his voice went up a few decibels, he could have made a rather lovely soprano. You know, the kind that can break glass. "What!" Never mind. Draco could deafen everyone within earshot with that shriek.

As it happened, Voldemort winced and placed his hand to his ears, which were bleeding slightly as a result of Draco screaming next to them.

Lucius sighed. "Draco… I am your mother."

* * *

A/N: Who's grossed out by that image? Don't worry; I'll restrain myself from adding anymore songs to this. Unless you want me to make end up as a musical parody cum crack!fic. Don't worry about the God and Lucifer thing; their reaction is going to be next chapter, hopefully.

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. We Will Rock You by Queen (or that version, anyway.) I admit, it was random, and completely illogical, but since I'm writing this primarily for my own entertainment I went with it because I found the notion of the House-elves squeaking out _We will rock you_ hysterical. Blame my warped humor.

**Review Response**:

**Winga**

**Black Gecko Deamon**

**Sarah123Babe**

**Isaboo**

Thank you all very much for your reviews! It's been a really long time since I've even looked at this story. I just thought I should update for all of you who have been waiting for me to update this story. I hope you enjoyed it as much as Arwen did. Obviously, Voldemort slept with Lucius and Draco is their son – like I said, hopefully, the Lucy-God thing will continue next chapter. I'm not at all sure when I'll update again. I hope I will update again before the year is out. Whatever. Please review. If you can guess the narrator (the one in the I voice), leave it in a review. After all, in this chapter if you look at it closely, you can narrow it down. If you don't review, then thanks for taking the time to read this.

P.S.: There's only two chapters left!


	9. Rip it in Half

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"Well, if you take away the factor that drove everyone batty, they won't be insane anymore."

"So… you're breaking up with me? I knew it! Oh, God, my heart! It dies!"

* * *

IX

Rip it in Half

High above the concerns of the petty mortals, Lucifer was wailing. Tears streamed down his perfectly made cheeks.

"Say, Lucy," said God. "Did you know you are beginning to look like yourself again?"

"I've always looked like myself!" Lucifer snipped, irritably. God tactfully chose not to mention the hooves or the horns he'd worn a long time ago. It was the burden of deities to have the ability to metamorphose their images until they themselves forgot what they looked like.

"They are ruining it!" Lucifer cried, pointing down to the earth.

God tried to find a comfortable spot in his soft and cloud-padded chair. He wondered if the universe would really implode if he brought Lucifer back. Then again, Lucifer never did read the fine print.

"If only you would apologize…" God sighed.

"Apologize for what?" Lucifer asked, eyes narrowing. "Surely you don't mean for refusing to follow your tyrannical order and hierarchy of heaven's kingdom?"

"Of course not," God lied smoothly. Said smoothly, God amended himself. Surely God did not lie – he therefore meant some other misdemeanor Lucifer had done. Oh, yes. "I meant for trying to stab me with your toy pitchfork!"

Lucifer pouted. "I just wanted to poke you! You're no fun, you lousy old bag of bones!"

"Ahem… now," God said, reaching for the phone. He would call Lucifer's twin, Michael.

"Are you calling Michael? My good-for-nothing and wastrel brother?" Lucifer shrieked.

"I thought you were perfectly fine with him," God said. "Ah, well. Do take note of what has happened. Lucius and Voldemort had a child – namely one Draco Malfoy who is dating Harry Potter, the son of James Potter and Severus Snape."

Lucifer started sputtering.

"Lily Potter was a decoy," God informed him. "Now, Lucy, dear, are you making note of this? Now we are going to allow Potter to discover that Severus Snape is his father and James his mother and that Lily Potter was actually James's long lost twin sister."

"Oh my god," Lucifer groaned, flinging himself onto a soft cloud innocently hovering by the floor of purgatory. "This is such a bad American soap opera!" His eyes opened wide. "Who is playing me? I refuse to be a horrid actor in a god-awful melodramic soap!"

"Actually," God said, clearing his throat. "This is a bad translation of a bad Spanish soap opera."

"We're in a novella?" Lucifer shouted in disbelief.

xxx

Down below on Earth, Harry Potter was musing. How, he wondered, could it have come to this. Voldemort was flinging himself and snogging Dumbledore at random intervals. Moreover, it was disgusting to watch Dumbledore's hand creeping down into a part of Voldemort's robes and into –

Harry derailed his train of thought. He refused to think of it. Refused.

Abruptly, out of nowhere, a blue book fell out of the sky and hit Harry on the head.

Harry shouted out and got into a defensive sumo position. Luna rolled her eyes, saying, as she grabbed the book, "Now really! If someone were to attack you d'you really think you'd be able to defend yourself with sumo – you're scrawny! Try aikido. Draco likes that." Luna flipped open the book and cried out in horror.

xxx

Draco was trying to come to terms about being Voldemort's son. He trembled, shook, and rattled like a freezing, frightened, and soaking wet kitten in a teacup. He stared at himself in the mirror. He looked like his father – everyone said so. In fact, he looked nearly identical. If it were not for his slightly thinner face, there would be no difference. He had fine, delicate bones, but it did not matter. No matter how much Draco looked, he could not find a trace of Voldemort in his features. Draco blanched at the thought he might have inherited his insanity. Not only would that explain this whole fiasco – no, Draco thought. If he was insane and all this was happening in his head, then he would not be the son of Voldemort.

Insanity ran in Narcissa's blood. Draco began to whimper to himself. Was he insane? Locked up somewhere without a Harry to snuggle him and keep him warm?

xxx

"What?" Harry cried out, alarmed. "What is it?"

Luna dropped the book and reeled backward, moaning and covering her eyes. "My eyes! My eyes!" she screamed. "Oh, it terrible; it was worse than the historical depiction of a unicorn disemboweling a Crumpled Snorkacks!"

Harry danced around her, yelling, "What was it!? Oh, someone, help!!"

Precisely at that moment, Ron Crabbe nee Weasley wandered by and picked up the book and promptly vomited all over Harry's shoes. Or he would have if Harry hadn't been hopping around like a demented frog.

Harry, regaining the precious few senses he hadn't lost yet, snatched the book and glanced at the picture just as Snape walked by with his robe billowing outward behind him as though he had stuffed a hair-dryer in his pants.

"Why were you snogging my father!?" Harry shrieked shoving the book at him, where anyone looking could see James Potter in the Slytherin common room enthusiastically trying to swallow Severus Snape's tongue.

xxx

"Look what your plans have done!" Lucifer shouted at God, pointing down to a whimpering Harry Potter, who was backed into a tiny corner where he rocked back and forth, humming a Muggle song. Mortal, Lucifier corrected himself. He was not going to start thinking himself a wizard. He was a deity! Equal to god – or at least the Mug – Mortals made him seem as though he were the reflection of God. Good and Evil; Ying to Yang, etc, etc.

God peered over the clouds and looked at both the whimpering Harry and Draco.

"Well," he said. "To make the world go back to normal, first, they must plead insanity."

Lucifier stared at God, then said in some amazement, "That is the most cruel and positively evil plan you've ever come up with."

God sniffed. "Are you forgetting that I created you? I designed you, oh, Lord of Seven Hells." God turned back, smugly ignoring Lucifer's stare.

xxx

Whimperingandpathetic!Harry met up with traumatizedandI'msogayI'magirl!Draco.

"Harry!" Draco said, immediately forgetting all his woes the moment he saw his boyfriend. "Now that you're here you can protect me from my evil memories of being Voldemort's son!"

Harry whimpered and cried pitifully. "No, you're a girl – I'm gay!"

Luna pinched the bridge of her nose. "Great. The insanity-flu has infected the two of you," she muttered. Then she brightened. She screwed her eyes shut (although she couldn't help but peek) as she depanted Draco.

"Draco!" Harry cried, seeing that Draco was indeed a boy, "My heart!"

"I love you so, Harry!" Draco said, with stars in his eyes and not even pulling up his pants. "Let's have lots of children! Lucius Malfoy is my mother so I can be the mother of your children!"

Luna winced from the exclamations, batting away the exclamation points that hovered around them. She waved her wand so Draco's pants were back up. No need for him to be showing what nature had given him.

"No," Luna said. "You must fix this world." When they looked at her cluelessly, she bitch-slapped them until they were paying attention.

xxx

Harry, who was still a little dazed from being bitch-slapped into submission by Luna, said, "She's right. The world must go back to the way it was."

"What?" Draco said, looking painfully confused. Although that might have been from being bitch-slapped.

"Well," said Harry. "If you took away the factor that drove everyone batty, they won't be insane anymore."

Draco eyes began filling with tears. "So…" he broke off with a sob. "You're breaking up with me? I knew it! Oh, God, my heart! It dies!" He ran off, sobbing.

Luna sighed. She turned to Harry and said, firmly, "Harry. You must repeat after me."

She told him what to say and Harry had tearfully whispered, "I plead insanity."

Everything went black.

* * *

A/N: Look at that. Angst-filled humor. If you squint, anyway. One more chapter after this, then it's over. Sorry for any grammatical errors – it's atrocious anyway, but the point was to make it as ridiculous as possible. There was no real plot (obviously). I hope you all enjoyed this. Hopefully I'll update again sometime soon. I still don't know when.

Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:

1. Lucifer and Michael being twins comes from somewhere. I'm too lazy to look it up. Sorry. Just note it's not my idea.

**Review Response:**

xxunrealisticxxdreamerxx

Juvenille

SwarmOfFanGirls

Forthwo

radical-rebel – I hope you liked God and Lucy's reactions in this chapter.

Poseida Lunar

charm2999

Thank you all for taking the time to review. I appreciate it. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read this and please review if you will – I don't hold chapters hostage, although I'm horribly slow at updating.


	10. Normalcy is an Improbability

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I know I usually use real quotes. But this story is a bit … strange. So, I'm not really using quotes, but I might. So, if you find something, let me know.

* * *

"Once Normalcy flees out the window, chased out of the home by its spouse it will never come back begging forgiveness, that is – Insanity's got Normalcy whipped."

* * *

**X **

**Normalcy is an Improbability**

"Ouch! That _hurt_, Harry!" Draco snapped. He was going to have a bruise – a _bruise! – _on his neck from where Harry had been eagerly sucking it.

"Sorry, it's dark in here," Harry apologized. Draco resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Obviously Ha – _Potter_ thought it'd been from when he'd accidentally kneed him in a sensitive place. It had not caused Draco pain, but rather a very pleasurable sort of – ah – friction. Still, he had to say something. "Duh, we're in a closet!"

"Well, it wasn't my idea – this was yours! Damn, I think I ripped a button," Harry – ugh – _Potter_ muttered, still not kissing him.

"Oh, hurry up, Harry! Just shut up and kiss me." They only had minutes – _minutes_ before they had to leave the closet.

"God, Draco, you're so…." Whatever Harry was about to say was lost as Draco flung himself at Harry and ardently kissed him.

"Hot? I'm so hot, aren't I?" Draco asked, preening, even in the dark when Harry (who was blind as a bat in the dark) could not see him.

"Dammit – who _made_ these robes? I can't get the buttons undone!" Harry muttered, still _not undressed_.

Draco resisted the urge to smack Harry silly. It was obvious he was stalling. Draco had just _barely_ convinced Harry bottoming was worth it. Even if it was just a quick off in the broom closet (which hadn't been Draco's idea – it'd been Harry's, the unromantic prat, idea). Draco sighed impatiently, drawling, "Uhmm… I think it was Madam Malkin."

"Draco, just shut up." Harry said. Draco could picture him scowling at him. Dark eyebrows furrowed and a face that looked like a squashed Mr. Potato Head.

Draco, wisely chose to remain silent, as he began to remove his own robes. He hoped nothing would interrupt them. He didn't want to be a bottom!Draco forever.

"Harry, love, my robes don't have buttons. Are you sure you have buttons?" Draco asked when he realized all his buttons were missing.

"Draco, shut up!" Harry hissed at him, forcibly slamming him against the side of the closet. Draco winced. He'd have _more_ bruises to add to the collection of bruises on his back. He'd hoped to be the dominant one just this once. It wasn't asking for much. Really. It was not as though Draco were asking Harry to fetch him the Yeti so it could hula dance for them.

"I would if you kissed me," Draco said, breathily. Harry kissed him and then their clothes were gone…..

xxx

Lucifer closed his eyes and covered his ears. "Not looking not listening. Nanananananana-lalalalalala!" he sang off-key. His exile from the Heavenly-choirs had obviously destroyed his talent, God reflected sadly, wincing.

"That is how mortals have babies," God pointed out. "You like babies."

"They are a delicacy in Tartarus!" Lucifer sniffed.

"You mean you _eat_ them?" God said appalled. Then he thought about it. "Actually, never mind. You _would_ eat them."

"It won't go back to normal," Lucifer said. "Will it?"

"They are still together," God said. "Perhaps, some day in the future they can come out together as a couple – but it was not wise of Dobby to force them out. Alas, they can only be imagined by their RABIDFANGIRLS."

Lucifer shuddered. He knew _all_ about fangirls. It was the scariest thing in hell. The fanboys – well, they were even scarier.

xxx

Draco swaggered out of the closet, floating on the blissful sensations that came with his Harry-fix. For a moment he paused, watching the students (who had no idea what he'd been doing in the closet and seemed to not notice he'd stepped out from a broom closet – they must have thought he was so savvy about the castle he knew a secret passage through it). He had the wildest urge to scream out his status with Harry and then shook his head at his own daft notions. How silly, he thought. To simply jump out of the closet like a mere peasant. He hefted his bag and, whistling jauntily, headed for dinner. All was well with his life. He and Harry had shagged, Harry had devoutly worshipped his body afterward – and thanked him for the blessings of his (Draco's – not God's) presence. Harry would step out of the closet when Draco activated the coin letting him know he was seated in his usual seat (which gave him a perfect view of Harry). He did so.

For a brief moment he looked at Dumbledore and had a horrifying mental image of him snogging Voldemort dressed up like a dominatrix. _Oh, pardon me,_ he thought to himself and the beyond disturbing imagery, _I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Or maybe I died a little from the horror._

Harry entered the room and Draco happily forgot the disturbing thoughts to stare at his green-eyed pretty boy. _My beautiful boy-toy_, Draco thought giggling to himself, not even noticing the simultaneous eye-roll from Blaise, Pansy, and Theodore. (Millicent was rather busy snogging the life out of Luna Lovegood; Draco didn't even notice.)

Draco smiled to himself. All was right with the world.

xxx

I sat silently and watched the Malfoy boy giggle to himself like the silly and besotted hormonal teenage boy he was. Humans – they thought they were so clever. I twitched my tail and flattened my ears. My human petted me and said, "Sniff around, my sweet. I know he is here somewhere." I slinked away from him and went to the blonde human. I rubbed myself against his legs, laughing at him. "You think you're so clever, human. I am in charge of this world. You just wait. My spell will never be undone this time!" I cackled.

"Oh, how cute," the human girl-dog said. "Mrs. Norris likes you, Draco. Look how she meows and purrs at you! I bet she wants you to pick her up."

Mrs. Norris – bah! I was the Lady Bast. The ancient goddess and that fool who called himself God would not best me.

I twitched my ears. There he came!

I knew the moment the human Draco remembered everything as did his two human companions – including that girl who was immune to my enchantments. I did not like her.

I turned and smiled triumphantly as the formerly known Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort, danced into the Great Hall, dressed in a pink Hawaiian shirt and vividly green – or the humans called it green, at least – calling out to Dumbledore. "My beloved husband! I'm back!"

The End.

((Somewhere in the background you can hear Lucifer wailing "nooooo!!!"))

* * *

– From a very random conversation

* * *

**A/N**: Well, then. It's over and done with now. I did keep my promise to finish it, as you can see, even if I took nearly forever. To be honest, I didn't really expect reviews for this story. I honestly thought it was strange, quirky, and sliding somewhere between the lines of humor and crack. I don't think any of you guessed Mrs. Norris as the narrator – and I believe I did mention it didn't have to be human. There wasn't a plot – obviously – and if there _is_ one, it is there by mistake I can assure you. I hope you enjoyed it – the whacky humor, and the very nonsensical story in general.

There will not be a sequel. However, if you'd like one – you _are_ allowed (meaning you have my permission) to write it yourself if you're interested. I only ask you let me know if you're going to do so. Anyway, so long and thanks for the fish!

**Citation/Disclaimer/Reference:**

1. Bast - the Lady Bast is an Egyptian goddess who was known as Ubasti (Bast is a nickname, I guess). She's usually a woman with a cat head and she's a moon goddess. I could go on about her history, but I won't. If you're interested in her, feel free to look her up.

**Review Response:**

Arianna

radical-rebel

SwarmOfFanGirls

Poseida Lunar

LisaT25

Thanks for taking the time to review – I really did appreciate it. Again, I'm actually pleased and surprised by reviews – for all my stories actually. So, if you review, I'll be very happy. You don't have to, obviously, because this was meant to be fun and enjoyed by all. It wasn't meant to offend or anything and it shouldn't be an obligation to review. Although, I _should_ mention Lucifer is drawn from the union of Satan, the Devil, and Lucifer as one person. If you've got a bible, read the book of Job. It's hilarious. (Yes, I'm insane). In any case, he's drawn from the idea that he's one person with Satan and Satan (in the book of Job) seems friendly with God. Actually, Satan isn't really considered "fallen" until the New Testament, so I really don't know. Or at least, that's my interpretation of it. I _could_ be wrong.

Keir Raizel

P.S.: Feel free to look around; I've got more stories. I'm working on getting them all finished before I post anything new, though. I have no idea how long it'll take and there's an insanejournal account in the works (I'll provide more details later if you're interested). I do have an lj but I hardly ever update it – I really don't have the time. Oh, and for those of you going "Sacrilege! Blasphemer!!" – I believe the maxim of "he who sits in the heavens, laughs". That is, I believe God has a sense of humor and thus, (while he must think me very pathetic to have written it) he is very amused by it.

Oh, and if you haven't noticed yet, go and vote on the poll. I'm leaving it up indefinitely.


End file.
